Feeling very heavy!

Today, I just felt very heavy within. Don't know why.

Early in the morning, after reaching office, I thought I could just feel better, especially when I was having breakfast with my colleagues. Then came the briefing for the company's day. After the briefing, suddenly my stomach was very painful. Needless to say, I went to toilet.

When I was back to the office, I couldn't help but kept having this heaviness in me. Now the heaviness is still here and my heart seems to feel a bit of pain. Maybe it's because of money issues. Maybe it's because of one case which I am cracking my head on how to help the elderly. Whatever it is, I felt very tired, very heavy in spirit and very sad.

Lord, please grant me the strength that I need. I need You to accompany me in my walk on this earth. There are many times when I rebel and I do not heed Your advice. I am facing the consequences now. I need Your grace to pull me through. Help me to have good financial planning and execution. Even for that friend who still owes me money till today, I pray that You will convict in his heart to return my hard-earned money back. I pray that by Your grace, I will be able to clear all debts, loans and expenses each month without difficulty. I pray that the debts and loans will be cleared by the end of this year. Lord, let there be a miracle in my finances and in Terence's business. Let there be a revival of business into the things that You want him to sell. I pray that You will help him to make the right choices in his business and private life. In all that we do and say, may our lives reflect Christ in us. Also, I pray that he will have the money to pay back the loan. IN Jesus' name I commit these to, Amen. All Glory Be To God!

Fireproof!

Marriage is not a sprint but a maranthon. Many people know this but how many people actually practise endurance and patience like that in a maranthon.

When I saw the movie, 'Fireproof', a few key things made me reflect:

1) God is working in our lives even though we have not given Him the invitation. There was a part in the movie where Caleb and his father walked to a place where a big cross stood. Caleb was complaining to his father about the insensitivities of his wife, no matter what he tried to do. As he was complaining, his father walked to the side of the cross. Then Caleb asked, 'How could I keep on loving her when she keeps rejecting me?' WOW! Powerful words. At that, the father directed him to God's love. It's the same for us. God did not stop loving me since the day I was born. But He keeps loving me, despite the fact that I do things that hurt Him and betray His trust. When I went on ways that were rebellious and kept rejecting Him, He did not stop loving me less. Rather, He love me even more. His love is ever increasing but never decreasing. He worked in my life even though I had not invited Him in yet. What a wonderful God He is! Thank God for Your love for me.

2) Don't speak negatively to your loved ones. Seem easy; maybe only when things are going alright. But when things start to get messy, when the whole world seems to be crushing down and the pressure of this world weighs on us, do we still speak positively to others, especially our loved ones or do we vent our frustrations on them? I am guilty of speaking negatively to my family when I feel the pressure of this world. Constantly, I am in the position where financial strain seems to be always with me. It's like my 'best' friend now. No matter how I try to pay back, it keeps coming back. Because of that, my temper went berserk. So much so that I say words that hurt, rather than edify. May God help me to be slow to speak, slow to anger.

3) Do one unexpected gesture. Well, be it in a marriage or not, I think it is good to receive some unexpected gesture at times. However, not many people do that. I remember during my teens, I read in Teens Magazine about the ways of trying to keep a relationship going. One of the ways happen to be this. Unexpected gesture can be a gift being sent once in a while. The gift need not be expensive. It's the thought that counts. I tried that to my friends before and it really worked. To my family, well, maybe I have taken them for granted. So this is done rarely. May God help me in this area.

4) Do something for the person to let him/her know that you are thinking of him/her. Hmmm.... This is a big thing for me. If do on someone in the opposite sex, he may get the wrong impression. Use with caution. Hahaha...

5) Call to see if he/she needs anything. Well, sometimes, when I see how many couples call each other during lunch time, it is more like asking whether the person is eating, what food they eat, where they eat. Maybe it will be good to ask whether they need anything near their workplace. Hmmm... will I get to do that for my life-long partner if I have one???

6) Listen with your ears. This is difficult for someone who always give orders. Often times, I find that people around me listen with their mouths. How they do it? Well, they speak words which they want to hear rather than what they hear. May God help me in this area too. In my line of work, I need to listen with my ears and be sensitive to the underlying issues/problems which my beneficiaries may be facing. Like a current case that I have. How to listen to them Lord? How to help them? Please help me God.

7) Study the person. This is very interesting. In the movie, Caleb's colleague mentioned that when a person started courting, he/she would start studying the person; what the other person likes, hates, dislikes, wants, needs, etc. But when the marriage starts, the study stops too. Even in friends, this happens. How many of us can safely say that we know our friends very well? Do we study our friends or let them study us? Lord, from this day forth, let me study my family, friends and colleagues to know them better.

8) Be a friend. Many people that I know seldom treat their spouses as their friends, their family members as their friends or their neighbours as their friends. That is very sad. If we don't treat them as our friend, we push them aside, not wanting to have anything to do with them when they need help. A friend stands with you no matter what the situation is. Just like God. No matter what the situation is, He is always there guiding us, leading us to safe pastures. It is up to us whether we want to follow Him.

9) Love with God's love. Many people love with their hearts. But hearts can be deceiving. We may love something and someone today and tomorrow, it's gone. However, when we love with God's love, we begin to accept that everyone is different. We have more grace to accept the other person's weaknesses. May God help me to love with God's love.

10) Destroy parasites. Parasites are things that eat up our lives and take away everything that we have. Parasites can be addictions to gaming, video, money, pornography. What we do on the outside may not show whether we have parasites or not. For example, we can hide our addictions for pornography. When we are at home and there is no one around us, we look at pornography websites, watch pornography videos and think that no one knows. However, God knows. It hurts Him to see us this way. I must get rid of my parasites. Though it is not easy to do, but I believe that God helps those who help themselves. That at the end of my road in this earth, I can say with all my heart that I have done my best to get rid of my parasites.

'Fireproof' is about living your marriage to be fireproof. I don't know whether I will ever get married but if I do, I hope that I will be able to use the lessons learnt to keep the marriage. Marriage is not a sprint but a maranthon. It requires stamina, endurance, patience and understanding. Without these, the marriage fails. Marriage is sacred. Let nothing that God has made sacred become something that is dreadful. In the meantime, I will use the lessons learnt here.

Get to know her more.

Today, I spent a good time with one of my friends. Though the time spent was very little, yet I seemed to see the other side of her.

At first, I was intending to return home early today. After all, I had a mad week, rushing through my tasks. But I decided to detour a bit tonight. At first, it was only casual talk. Then while we went further and talked about things more personal. When she talked about it, I can sense that she has a bad experience on something. Tears appeared in her eyes as she talked about it. When she tried to control herself and continue talking, I somehow be reminded of how God has shown grace to His children.

Many people around me have experienced divorce. Some commit suicide while some continue with their lives. To those who commit suicide, their family members have to suffer the consequences. To those who continue with their lives, I believe God can bring them out of their misery. Our God is not a God of limited abilities but rather He can do immeasurable more things.

May the God of immeasurable more things bless this friend of mine and continue to uphold her and keep her in His arms!

I am vexed!!!

Tonight, I feel very vexed. It's like suddenly there are so many things which I need to settle. And all these things need $$$$.

*Sigh!* Even though I try to do my best to save some money for rainy days, I am often stucked with situations that suddenly required money. I feel very difficult to breathe properly at times now. In fact since yesterday. I wonder why no matter how I try, the ability to save money never seem to happen.

From the time which I worked elsewhere to where I am now, the days seem more difficult. I can only tell myself that as the road gets more rocky, I can learn more things and depend more on God rather than myself. But sometimes, even though I say these words to myself, they seem so ironical.

Lord, please help me to depend on You. In all that I do, think and feel, let me focus on You.

'Our Father which art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name!
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
And give to us our daily bread
And forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors.

Our Father which art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name!
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it in heaven.
Lead us not into temptation.
But deliver us, deliver us from evil.

Our Father which art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name!
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.

Thy is the kingdom, thy is the power.
Thy is the glory forever.'

Amen.

Be Firm!

I have done something very firm last week. Maybe to others, I seem very unreasonable. But I have enough excuses and nonsense from one of my friends, or should I catogorize him as my ex-friend?

What happened? Well, one of my friends has asked me previously to apply a phone line under my name because he has problem in doing it. Don't know why. So I told him that as long as he paid the bills on time to me, no problem. Friend what!

At first, when I chased him for payment on his first hp bill, he delayed it for a day. I thought, "ok lah. Maybe he busy. Overlooked.' Then the horror came. The second bill came and it was an amount quite huge to me, $400 plus. So I told him to pay by certain date. He agreed. But guess what? On the date he was supposed to pay me, no sound, no picture. So I smsed him. No reply. I thought he was busy. Apparently, he dared not reply me because he had no money to pay me. So I waited for another day before chasing him again. He told me to give him more time to 'raise' the money. Finally, the money came but it was at the end of the month. Then came the third bill. Again, I told him to pay by certain date. Again, he agreed. But 2 days after the due date, there was still no money seen. So I pressed him and told him that if the money was not received by the next day before noon, I would terminate his line. He said that he did sms me to inform me that he had just received a cheque and would pay me a week after so that there would be enough time to clear the cheque. A week and 2 days later, still no money. So I chased him again. This time, no reply at all. Clever move! But I played my cards well this time. I called the telco company at night and terminate his line.

Wow! This move made him quickly sms me using his friend's hp. He told me that he had given his friend his money to transfer to me and he did not know that that friend did not transfer the amount to me. He 'pleaded' me to re-connect the line and to terminate if he did not transfer the money by the next day noon. I simply ignored this message. Then the next day, he used his friend's hp to sms me that he had made payment to me and to re-connect the line for him. I again ignored his message. Then his friend sms me to 'plead' me to help him this round and to terminate the line in Aug as agreed in July 2009. However, I did not agree.

Why should I be like a beggar, keep asking money when it is only rightful for him to pay me back? Besides, I have been giving this friend so much days' grace and he keeps giving me excuses. This is really very frustrating. If he truly regards me as a friend, he would not take me for a ride.

In my circle of close friends, I never have such encounter with this kind of person. All my friends mean what we say. When we borrow money, we always state right from the start how much we will repay each month and when we will make the payment. When the date comes, the transfer will be done. Unless we face money issue in that month, we will call the person to inform her. This is basic courtesy. But this so-called friend of mine is basically taking me for a ride until I really cannot tahan. Maybe, in his point of view, I am so unreasonable. But I really cannot be so gracious anymore.

Lesson learnt: Be firm and don't let others take advantage of me. The more ching chye we are, the more others will take advantage of us. Must be more selfish from now onwards.

The ironies of life!

Today, my mood was haywired. First thing in the morning, I was taken aback when someone came instead of another person whom I had expected. So I told myself, 'It's ok, as long as the task is being done.' Then the second thing happened that took my energy away.

During one program that I did on playing tambola, I had told the participants not to gamble using this game as I knew of some CCs which promoted gambling in this area. Then when all had gone for the next session of the program, someone rushed to me and told me that the food was not delivered and they had forgotten to inform me as they were busy talking. That was already noon time. So I called the company in charge. To my horror, the boss of this company told me that she was informed by her mom that they would be no food delivery. I found this absurd as I had not too long ago sent her an email, informing her the dates where there would be no delivery. I was assured that the food would be delivered by 1:15pm latest. So I quickly informed the participants so that they would be prepared.

Most of the participants and volunteers took this time to interact, building bonds. I could see that they treasured this time where they could just get to know their weekly friends more. However, as the time passed by, they became quieter. So I called the company again. This time, the reply they gave me was that they were unable to get a response from the driver. So at 1:30pm, I called the company again. They told me that they finally managed to get the driver and he would be coming in 5 minutes' time. Thank God that we had cakes and biscuits today. So the participants were able to have some of these to fill their stomachs. Imagine if we run out of cakes and biscuits, these poor participants would be so starving.

Then during one of the visitations, the feelings of not being able to help much set in again. This elderly had been living in dire financial crisis. She envied those Chinese elderly parents who have children to support them. For her, it was a far cry. When she asked her children for money, they would scold her and argued that they were not banks. As she talked about the situations that she was in and how she would suffer hunger panks, tears began to fall.

This is such an irony. When one elderly who have the support of rich relatives but have no children is able to get financial help from the government agencies, another elderly who has many children but none of them rich enough is unable to get any financial help from the government agencies. The only place this elderly can turn to is her god. Like what she says in her own words, 'No need to tell others. They would not understand. Even if they would, how do you expect them to help you? Only way is to tell Allah. Only he will know how I live.' Whenever her neighbours ask her whether she has eaten, she will always answer she has but in actual fact, sometimes she does not have any food laid on the table. She feels very paiseh to tell others that she is penniless.

Lord, how come this world is so unfair? Where is the loophole that this group of people cannot receive the help that they need? When will the eyes of others begin to see the real situation and step up the process to help them and to lift up the restrictions and redtape? I pray for help to come to this group of people soon.

Then when I came home, another episode of event happened. Dad was angry with mom for cooking things that he could not eat. Mom, as usual, defended her actions by saying that we would suffer when she died because we would not have any food to eat. When will mom understand that food and the way it is cooked can kill people sometimes? This is so tiring. Why can't they appreciate each other like what they did when they were courting? Is menopause setting in for dad that every little thing will agitate him? When can I be release of such situation? I find this very tiring. Once home, I wish that I can just lay down and pass on. But time is not up yet. Sigh! God, how long to suffer?