Death

In life, when there is life somewhere, there is death somewhere as well. It is not something new but a everyday thing that happens around the world.

On last Saturday, 2 October 2010, our Mother of Singapore, Mrs Lee Kuan Yew, passed away peacefully at home. By her side was her daughter. MM Lee was hospitalized due to chest infection and could not be with her when she breathed her last. As Singapore mourns for this wonderful lady, some other feelings welled up in me.

This morning, I received a call from Elsie, one of our elderly and was told that her grandson had passed away. She was very sad. As I listened to her cries, my heart melt. I said a prayer for her and hope that God would grant her comfort and grant her the strength that she needed.

Some days later, it will be Danny Chan's death anniversary. Will people around the world still remember him or will everyone be so busy with some other stars that they will forget him? For me, though I am not his fan till now, I must say that his voice is really special. If I am out of love, besides Jeff Chang, I believe Danny Chan will be a better choice to listen to so that cries of sorrow and anger will be vented out.

Today, as I saw Danny Chan's music videos, once again I am being reminded not to be a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist has its pros and cons but this mountain must be rid of in order for God to do the work in me. There are forever negative things being thrown right at my face, remarks that people have been hurling at me and I am just afraid of falling trap in my own room. Lord, please help me. There is only You to help me. Maybe those borned in the month of September are not only a fair person but a responsible person and a perfectionist.

Lord, please help me to go through life with You every day. As negative remarks and things are being hurled at me, I renounce them in Jesus' Name. Let not those things that they said affect me or hinder my growth in You.

Thank You, Lord.

Danny Chan

These few days, I have been listening to Danny Chan's songs. It might come as a surprise but I did not know that Pian Pian Hei Fuan Li was sung by him. The first time when I heard this song, it was sung by Leslie Cheung.

Then after going through his songs, I found it strange that such a young man, with promising future, actually suffered from depression. He sacrificed his studies in Sec 4 to pursue his interest in music. Then he began a journey of fame and song compositions. In fact, I found him to be very talented. The songs that he composed were very down-to-earth and mostly sad. However, I must say that they are very touching. Like 'Having you'.

As I viewed more of his videos and interviews in Youtube, I realized that his depression was quite serious. He was a perfectionist. He wanted everything to be perfect, if not, he would not even start anything. Like his fashion shop. In one interview, his fan asked him when he would open it, but he said that he would take time to open it as he did not want to rush things through. With this perfectionist character in him, he made himself unhappy. It is this obstacle that I think creates his low self-esteem. When his friends, Leslie Cheung and Alan Tam had more successes than him or so he thought, the pressure set in. He began to withdraw himself and then slowly lost the interest to compose songs. What is worse was he began to take alcohol to numb himself. In the end, he was found unconscious in his own home on 18 May 1992. During his unconscious state in hospital, one of the friends who was being interviewed mentioned that he was in a large hospital room filled with many well-wishes from fans. The only sound in the room was from the machine that kept him alive. When she told him to quickly wake up from his slumber and play, his eyeballs showed movement. To this, this friend said that she believed he wanted to wake up too but was unable to somehow. Whatever the reason, only God knows. Finally, on 25 Oct 1993, after being unconscious for 17 months, he passed away due to organs failure. He was only 35 years old when he passed away.

As I saw the videos and songs he sang in 1987, I think that maybe at that time, depression had already set in. His smile was very forceful and there were criticisms that he seemed unable to overcome. Being a perfectionist, I somehow understand how he must have felt. Did he think of getting help from God at that point in time? What he had was friends who cared for him, but what about him turning to God? Did it occur to him then? All these questions will only remain as questions unanswered.

His father even opened a memorial hall for people to go and visit. This hall contains not only his pictures from young, but also things that he used and clothes that he used to wear. The pain that his family members feel will always remain but God can heal them. A legend has passed on. His songs will forever remain in the hearts of those who appreciate him.

God, I may not have know the family members of Danny Chan. But I pray that Your strength to be with them. Let them come to know You and be comforted by You. The passing on of Danny is a pity to many but You have a greater plan for each one of them. Lord, be with them and help them understand that You are still in control. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Feedback!

Dear God

Yesterday, my supervisor and I had our first session of supervision. I told him what I had been feeling after each outreach programme and he said that it was time for him to have a debrief after each outreach.

Then the bomb came. He mentioned that I had a weak spiritual life. That could lead me not being able to see, feel or speak correctly. He cited so many incidences and told me that it was better to show grace to the elderly that we served rather than belittled them. I thought about this since yesterday and decided to search in Youtube the worship songs that I could relate to in this suitation. I still feel bad inside me. I want to have a better spiritual life. I know that I am not perfect Lord. Sometimes, I just feel that certain things can be done simplier but people complicate things.

I do not know why I am always the one being misunderstood. Maybe my spiritual life is really in a mess. Lord, thank you that You love me despite the mess. Help me to improve in my spiritual life. Help me to listen to You once again ever so dearly.

Here I am with all I have. I raise my hands to worship You. I want to say Thank You for who You are and how You have touched me. I pray that You can help me to have a deeper walk with You.

Nothing beats spending time with You Lord. Keep me in Your arms.

In Jesus' Name, I give thanks and commit myself to You, Amen.

Disappointed!!!!

Today, bro and I went to buy a new vaccum cleaner. Well, the reason for buying this item is because I find that our house is getting dirtier and dirtier each day and no matter how we try to clean the dust, it just seems impossible. What is more frustrating is that after 5 minutes of sweeping the floor, I just find the floor very dusty. Maybe it is due to the construction of the circle line.

After buying the cleaner, when dad asked how much the item was, I told him that it was $799 and immediately he flared up. He said that he was so worried about his medical fee of $50 this month and yet I could spend so much money on a household item.

I find this very ridiculous and disappointed. When my family members have money, all they think of is themselves. They use the money for their own pleasure and when things in the house break down, they all turn to me and begin nagging at me when I tell me that I do not have money. Then when I buy something a bit more expensive for the family, they again say that I waste money on unnecessary things. How about them? When they have money, they can spend on cigarettes, alcohol, jewelleries, musical instruments, clothes, shoes, etc. Not that their clothes are torn or their shoes have spoilt. Then when I buy clothes or shoes once in a blue moon, I am being told that I am spending unwisely. Lord, I commit this kind of situation to You. I am really very tired and find it very ...........

Movie 1: The Room by Media Evangelism

On Thursday, I spent the most of my time watching 2 movies from Media Evangelism.

The first is called The Room. It talks about the spiritual room that each of us has. In this spiritual room, it holds very intimate things which an individual does not share with anyone. It is a room where only that individual can access to. At the start of the movie, it showed a senior social worker persuading a teacher not to commit suicide. Everyone really envied the social worker's courage by stepping on broken glasses to prove that she understood what the teacher went through.

Then the different deadlines, the different expectations that the social worker had to face, the different negative comments by friends and colleagues and ultimately, the suicide of that teacher whom she had rescued previously took a toll on her. She began to withdraw herself more and more to this little spiritual room that she had. Even her boyfriend could not get to her. Slowly, she began to have the symptoms of a depressed person. She began to lose her sleep, she had no interest in doing things that she used to like and she began to shun people, even her boyfriend. Then one day, she decided to commit suicide. As she was standing at the ledge, she called the Life Line hotline. The counselor who took her call happened to be the one who witnessed how she rescued the teacher previously and found her courage commendable. As the counselor began to listen to the inner voices of God telling her what to do, she began to share with the social worker that God still loves us no matter what the past was like. Even though there were many tears in this world, we could still embrace it because we had God with us. At that, the social worker began to experience a peace that she never experienced in her heart before. She decided not to end her life because she believed that with God, she could live each day and embrace life bravely.

When I saw this movie, a few lessons came to mind.

1) Very often, we find people say that being a counselor/social worker/psychologist, when we face obstacles, we know how to solve it ourselves. We will not be depressed or suffer any depression. However, being in this line of work, it will have more stress that nobody can understand. As the client/beneficiary begins to tell you of their sad stories/problems, you will begin to think how to help them. Sometimes, you will feel discourage when things do not go the right way and questions begin to envelope. But what we need to remember is this: we must not let other people's problems become our problems. Easier said than done, but we can do it with God's help. We can pray to God about it, we can discuss with our seniors in this area. Sometimes, some psychologists, social workers and counselors are so prideful that they refuse to let anyone know what they are going through. In the end, they become depressed.

2) Each of us has a spiritual room. We will open this room and enter into it whenever we like. Most of the people enter the room without being able to exit from it. This cause them to have depression. It is like going around in circles and find that there is nothing you can do about the 'problems/issues' in life. But always remember that God is in control. What we cannot do, He can give us the strength to do.

3) Like the counselor when she was in training, she thought that she knew how to listen with her ears. However, she was too impatient. When the instructor asked the students to close their eyes and began to listen to their own voices, she had problem staying for long. We are like the counselor at times. We tell God that we know this area of expertise; it is simple and everyone can follow. However, when we really try, we find that we have a hard time listening to Him. Like what the instructor said, we must learn to listen to God in the morning to start our day, to listen to what others are saying in the afternoon and to listen to our inner voices in the evening. This will then teach us how to listen attentively.

May God help me to do so with discipline.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

What a day!

These past 2 weeks have been quite challenging for me.

First of all, I was quite sick last week. Suddenly, I experienced needle-piercing pain into my heart when I was travelling in a bus back home. Then 2 days later, I could not really breath. It was like something heavy was put on top of my chest.

This week, I thought of going to the morning prayers. But the whole early morning of Monday, I was dreaming of fighting demons and casting them out in Jesus' name. What a funny dream I thought! But then, I began to question and ask God to show me light. What was the dream supposed to be? Are You telling me that it was my gift to drive out demons Lord? Questions seemed unanswered but I will not give up asking. These few days, I have been asking God to show me what my gifting is so that I can use it for the extension of His Kingdom. So maybe, this is the answer from Him. I do not know.

Today, I went to visit one elderly couple and again, kana 'scolded' by this elderly uncle that I 'shouted' at him during one of his visits to the centre and that my actions showed that I did not give him face. When I tried to explain, he refused to listen. Then his wife tried to mediate and told me to apologise to him. So I did. Then he told me to change my hot temper. His wife told me to just agree to what he said. She just smiled when he told her not to accept anything from me. But then, he slowly mellowed down when I told him that I would change my temper and offered my hand to shake his. He was then abit pai seh. So his wife shoke my hand instead.

Sometimes, I wonder why such incident happened. People misunderstood what I said or felt that I never showed them any respect. I just want to make rapport with them. It seems so difficult at times to really make them understand my actions. Lord, may You show me how. I am really tired. Let all unspiritual things be dismissed from me. Let any curses that others put on me be broken down in Jesus' name, that it would not have any effect on me. Let my health be restored and that I will not take any more MCs or urgent leave. Let my urgent leave be really urgent Lord. Grant me strength for each day. Also, Lord, as I go through each day's activities, help me to enjoy what You have prepared for me and not be agitated when things go awry or not according to what was planned. May Your presence be with me and teach me along the way. In Jesus' name I commit myself to You, Amen.

Filial Piety

These days, there is a new TV ad to tell people how to show filial piety.

In this ad, it showed that the old grandmother was very hard to please when she moved to live with her son and his family. The daughter-in-law tried to please her too but was hurt whenever she commented negatively about the things she did. The grandson saw all this and found it very disgusting. One day, the grandmother was hospitalized and in serious condition. The grandson asked his father why he needed to treat her so well since she treated them badly when she was well and kicking. The son remembered a time when he was sick and his mother had to rush him to hospital under the rain. When they reached the hospital, the mother was all drenched. While waiting for the doctor, she sang her the song, 'Tian hey hey'. The son then woke up. As he remembered this scene, he sang the same song to his mother.

This ad taught me something. When an elderly parent comes to stay with the children, there will definitely be inconvenience. Not only must the elderly parent try to adapt to the children, the children's family also need to adapt to the parent. Tension will then arise. But as the golden wordings says, 'When there is an elderly at home, there is gold/treasure.' However, this is the opposite of today. In the area where I serve, many stories of elderly parents being neglected by their children who are well-to-do. Some elderly found that it was stupid of them to dote their children so much and in the end, they were being treated like dirt. Some children feel that if they give their parents money, it is filial piety. However, these elderly need company, someone that they can talk to, someone who dotes them. These cannot be replaced by outsiders. Only a fresh and blood children can comfort them.

Of course, there is another group of children who really treat their elderly parents well. They give them not only allowances but also bring them to eat, visit them regularly and take them to tours. This is good but the elderly parents sometimes become overly proud and begin to exploit charitable organizations. When they are in charitable organizations, they will despise other elderly whose situation is worst than them. Then when the organizations give donated items, they complain that they receive too little or never receive at all or receive poor quality items. Some even appear poor in order to get these donated items and sell it to someone else. Such actions are really absurd. But this is the way life is.

Whatever it is, filial piety is not something that we can coach. It comes from observation. We observe how our parents treat their parents and in turn we learn how to treat our parents. This is learned behaviour. If our parents treat their parents badly, the vicious cycle will continue until someone along the family line decides to stop it. May God guide us in treating our parents well.

Frustration!

Over the weekend, I had a mixture of feelings overwhelming me at the same time. Today, when I woke up, the only feelings that I had was anger. I know that I should not have let the sun go down and my anger is still there but this was really getting on my nerves.

One elderly fell down on one outing on Saturday. At first, I called the daughter to ask for her ward details. I explained to her how the incident happened. Then yesterday night, I received another call from her. This time, I could sense that she was putting the blame on us for not taking good care of her mother. Apparently, someone went to visit her from one of our volunteers and said that maybe because of the huge number of elderly for this outing, we staff did not take good care of her. This was outrageous. First of all, I can say with all my heart that staff, volunteers and cell members were good at taking care of the elderly on that day. However, there was this elderly who was so stubborn in listening to others. When someone told her to sit down, she refused. When someone told her not to stand near the glass door, she used her hand to brush off that person and insisted on standing there. So when the incident happened, she claimed that she did not know the door would reverse back. Secondly, the volunteer who went to visit her yesterday should not have said that to the daughter. He was not even at the site when the incident happened. What right does he has in making such a sweepy statement? The most ridiculous thing that the daughter asked me was why the restaurant did not call for ambulance when this incident happened. Before she hung up the phone, she commented that 'I know that it is good for your company to bring the elderly for such outings. But you all should take good care of them and not let this happened'. Blame shifting! How nice and hyprocritical!

I just pray that this incident will resolve soon and God I really wish for full recovery of this elderly and that she will not be so stubborn anymore, making our job so frustrated.

Who are my friends?

Just minutes ago, I read a very long email from one of my closest friends, IC.

A little background: we have known each other since 1986. There was a period when we lost touch but then we managed to keep in touch again when we worked in AIA.

What happened to IC: well, she has been pressurized by a friend (ST) previously to buy goods from another friend (ML) because ML was facing financial difficulties. ST assured IC that she could buy the goods on her behalf first and take IC's time to repay her the money. However, IC was very reluntant as she was helping her brother to pay his credit card bills + her own bills + her new home expenses. ST kept pressurizing her further until IC consented. However, now, ST pressurized IC to repay the outstanding amount of goods to her because her husband was quarrelling with her about this now. IC felt very ridiculous about this and reasoned with her. What made matters worse was that she had borrowed money from her boss to pay for the renovation and home expenses for her new house. So with her marginal pay, she was finding it so hard to settle anything.

I wish I could help her but all I can do right now is to lend her my ears. I sure hope that our circle of friends can be with her and support her financially. What I found it funny was that she had to pay the credit bills of her brother when her brother is working.

God, please send some Samaritians to help IC. Let her stay sound. I know what it is like to have such a burden. Keep her in Your arms Lord, even though she does not know You. I pray for Your protection to be over her. Let ST be responsible for her own actions instead of blaming others for her plight. God, please help IC. In Jesus' name I commit her to, Amen.

Opening of centre

Yesterday was the opening of our centre. After weeks of preparations, it was finally over!

Though there was rain, the program started with many elderly. Some tried to gatecrash too and one elderly even asked whether there was ang bao to take. Though it was a bit messy, we managed to have fun ourselves.

First of all, my colleague told the volunteers to put the tables and chairs very closely to the stage. I told them otherwise and she was not happy. Reason for my action: the tentage was so long and if we put all tables and chairs near the stage, then what's the point of having a long tentage? We might as well save money and asked for a shorter one.

Then, when one colleague saw that most of the seats were taken up, she was frustrated and questioned why I did not bother to let her have the table settings for her to arrange the VIPs and management committee members to sit. I told her that one table was already reserved but I did not know why 3 persons were sitted there. She then told me to shift the elderly who were performing to sit behind but I told her otherwise. Later, I told my reporting boss about it and he agreed that she should be the one to let us know the number of seats we should reserve not the other way round.

After that, during lunch, most of the Malay elderly were asking whether the food was halal. At first, I could not understand why they were asking until I was having my lunch, I saw that the food seemed to suggest that it was a Chinese-cooked food.

Then one of the RC people was so rude. She demanded that I took 2 bags of goodie bags and not asked so many questions. Then when one elderly came to ask for the goodie bag, she gave it to her without asking anyone. Thank God I saw it. I told this elderly that before I gave her the bag, she was to let me see her new medication and medication box. She tends to forget her medication and all staff in the centre are worried that she would get a stroke. She dutifully followed my instructions.

Though everything seemed to be a mess at first, the staff at the centre were just glad that everything went smoothly and ended well. Now, I have to get feedback from the elderly and volunteers. Some volunteers are just not ready and sensitive to the needs of the volunteers except for Dawn. She was so mad with the volunteers eating at the buffet tables and not helping out when I gave signals that she scolded them with vulgarities. I told my reporting boss about this so that if any of the volunteers complain later, he will know what happened.

Thank God for letting the event run as planned. Though there are hipcups, I'm just glad that there are volunteers around to help us do the cleaning up. Thank You Lord.

Jack Neo's scandal

These few days, whenever I opened the newspapers or go to Yahoo, the first thing that I saw was Jack Neo's scandal.

So many people have been blaming Jack Neo for committing adultery and conning young women to have sex with him. Some even claimed that they nearly fell into his schemes some years back. It is interesting to find that the internet forum has so many discussions about him and his family, including his works. I noticed that one internet user even claimed that it was the devil's work and we should not blamed Jack for his actions.

Well, my point of view is this: whatever has happened, Jack must take the responsibility to shoulder the consequences, even if it means his wife and children are leaving him. The consequences may not be so dire, given that the wife mentioned that she loved him, this marriage and this family. We should not blamed entirely on the devil too. No doubt that the devil will try to tempt us whenever he has the chance to, we should not forget our carnal nature that is at work as well. The devil can tempt us, but if our focus is on God thereby reducing more of our carnal nature, then chances of us making mistakes will be reduced. What makes me more curious is that after being a Christian, who come he commits adultery without feeling guilt or can sleep so well each night? What went wrong with his Christian walk with God?

Whatever it is, we should not keep focusing on Jack and his family during this time of crisis. The family has suffered much through the media focus. Let us keep them in prayer that as they go through this together, God will show them a way to resolve it.

Lord, I pray for Jack and his family right now. In Jesus' name, I pray for healing to take place. Let the hatred, guilt and shame be removed and instead let Your Spirit be with them, giving them comfort and strength. Lord, I pray for forgiveness to take place in this family that as they go through this, they will see Your goodness and grace and be blessed by You. Though they may be accused of many things now, I pray that these accusations will not stand. Lord, every one errs as we are still work-in-progress. But let us not take this for granted. Let Your spirit continue to lead them during this time. Let Your presence be felt even more strongly now. I also pray for the media and friends of Jack and his family that they will not put pressure on them anymore but rather, they will give their support and time to leave them alone to settle whatever that needs to be settled. Even for their relatives, I pray that they will be a source of strength for them. I commit this family into Your hands. You know best and You love us more than anyone else in this world. Let Your love and mercy be with them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

CNY experiences

This year's CNY has been greatly enjoyed.

On the first day, I went with one friend to watch movie. Poor friend! She was late because she thought I would not meet her so early, plus she thought that we would be watching a later show time. So when I told her about the timing and the tickets that I had bought, she was rushing so much. When I met her, she was already raining with sweat.

On the second day, my elder brother, mom and I went to visit 2nd auntie and grandma. It had been quite a few years since I went home visitation during CNY. Then after that, I came back home with brother and stayed at home to watch onlive TVB serials.

On the third day, I went to my friend's house for our seow gang gathering. When I reached there, the gang were already playing cards like professional, with chips and poker table. I was impressed. Around 6:30pm, we had our streamboat dinner. Though the table was a bit small for a group of 10 people, we enjoyed ourselves very much. During our catching-up time, we talked abut a dear friend who made use of us. We felt sad but let it pass since she did not get in touch with us anymore.

On the fourth day, two of my friends and I decided to continue our part II from the third day. We went to Esplanade, Marina Square and the River Ang Bao. At Marina Square, we spent our time walking around, eating, drinking and of course chatting. Then when it was not so hot, we proceeded to River Ang Bao. It was a great disappointment. The only two things that caught our interest was one of the art & craft stall where the stall owner used a yellow clay and moulded it into figurines such as hello kitty, canyon shin; and the other was the dragon-phoenix displayed. On the left was the dragon displayed, on the right was the phoenix. In the middle, there was a vase and on top of the vase, there was a ball. All these were made of cups, sauce plates, spoons, etc. At 7pm when the lights were on, the eyes of the dragon were lighted with different colors and the ball was rotating. Marvellous sight! Also, we decided to go for a saving money exercise for our November Hong Kong/Macau trip. I really pray that we can go to this trip together. It has been a few years since I took a plane.

Today is the fifth day. Finally I have to go back to reality by going back to work. Though there were many things to be done, but I was quite alright coping with them. Tomorrow is another day. May God turn it into another beautiful day.

Ridiculous experiences!

These days I really found that there were so many people in this world that have been making ridiculous remarks.

First of all, last year, someone found that using airpot to dispense water was a tedious task and that the pressor was too hard for her. So the airpot was kept in the kitchen cabinet. The same remarks were made when another person asked her why the airpot was kept. So the other person told her that the reason why she found it so was because she had not gotten use to it. So it was made clear that she needed to use the airpot for the sake of the other staff and volunteers.

Second, and it was not the first time, someone commented that she could not find a file in the office cabinet because I had placed it on the second floor of the centre. I found this rather ridiculous. This person only used it in a blue moon but this person refused to climb up the stairs to get the file. The file had been upstairs for sometime already and this person claimed to still need to use it.

Third, during a meeting, someone claimed that she needed help to get a program running. However, the meeting was about what programs were in place. Sometimes, I feel that meetings are just for fun. Everyone seems to be saying nice things in meetings or did not say anything. Then after the meeting, they will say at the bosses' backs.

Only a God like You can stand us. Thank you! Let me have a open mind not to think too much of these remarks and actions. In Jesus only do I want to focus on this year. May God give me the strength and let the submission of data be through tomorrow.