God, what is my call?

Yesterday, I have talked to Chew Lian and Shuyi about the possibilities of returning to Church to work. We talked about the push and pull factors that caused me to resign and they also asked how I would react if the same factors surfaced if I was able to work in Church. Frankly speaking, I told them that I was more clear-minded of what I want in life now. I want to honour God more. But there is an issue - the many medical leaves I had took while working there. They asked me of my health condition. I really don't know why my health is not so good while there. All I know is that I don't seem to have enough rest.

Then I went to meet Pastor Bea, a nice lady who looks a bit fierce. She opened another door for me, something that I dream of doing but not really bold enough to try. She told me to work with elderly people. Why I said that this is something I dream of? Well, in one of the office cell that we had while working in Church, Pastor Lam ever asked what we thought of doing if there is no limit of resources. I remembered saying that I wish to open a home for the elderly people, making sure that they have a place to sleep, a place to call their home, let them eat well, spend time listening to them, just be there for them. Then she said that when we had these desires, it did not happen now. But rather God has already placed them in us when He moulds us in our mothers' wombs. So when this proposal from Pastor Bea was given to me, I asked myself, is this from you, God?

This is my sincere prayer:

Please let me have a crystal clear answer to whether this is the call You have for me. To go to where Pastor Bea had proposed? I need to decide fast so that I can quickly let Shuyi know to ease her of other things. God, can You let me know before Tuesday?

Corinne told me that all the experiences we had so far, God will not let any go to waste. What should I do Lord? I need to quit from this current job. That's for sure. But where should I go next? Please help me to make a wise decision and let this decision be the correct one. I want to make a difference to the elderly's lives. I know I don't have much patience, especially when talking to my parents. What can I do to make sure that this is not something for me to try out but rather it is Your will for me, Your direction for me? Will I be lazy by not volunteering my time for the elderly or by making excuses for not going to the elderly cell? Lord, what is Your plan for me? Please show me.

I commit these to Your hands. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

What happened all these while?

It's been a long time since writing in here. Well, things may have turned worst or better. Last year, I went into full time ministry by working in the church. It was the closest I was to my life motto! You may ask: So what's your life motto? My life motto: To spend more time with my family, to become a pastor and help the elderly in whatever way I can. Sound simple but seem difficult to achieve. You say, I left my ministry this year, thinking that God wanted me to venture back to the marketplace. I did not know why I have this idea. Maybe the limitless boundary that I was facing at church make me leave.

So I joined a General Insurance company as a claims executive. I thought that was the company that God wanted me to work. Why? I was shortlisted because I did not have the necessary experiences. What's more - the pay was much better that what I quoted. So I believed God was intending me to do something good. However, first week into the job and I felt like quitting. The colleagues in the same rank as me and those higher seem to build a wall around them. They are so unfriendly, so unapproachable. At noon sharp, you will see them dash out for lunch. To me, that's amazing! They did not even bother to ask the new staff on board to join them. However, those colleagues in the lower rank are more approachable. You can ask them whatever, and if they know, they will willingly share with you. What a contrast!

Then during the Stress and Time Management which all staff need to attend, I was faced with another reality check. On the second day of the course, we were asked what was our life motto. I happily wrote it down and the next thing I know, I stared at the paper really hard. Then a thought came and asked, 'What happened to your motto? You were so near but now you seemed so far.' That got me very upset that I did not have the mood to do anything. I was faced with the hard reality that my life would not belong to the marketplace ministry. My life belong to full time ministry in church. I was dumbfounded.

I shared with two of my sisters-in-christ. They gave me much encouragement, something that I did not think someone will ever do for me. I told them that I felt rotten inside. I was so stupid to miss God's call in my life. They spent time listening to me and telling me that whatever experiences we have now, God will make it to good use. But that did not ease the pain and heartache I feel inside.

Then one day when I just could not take it any longer, I handed in my resignation. My boss who joined this company at the same time as me was not surprise. In fact, he also wanted to resign. We spent some time talking about the department's structure and the ways the colleagues around us worked and we just could not help but felt more like leaving. However, the AGM in that department was quite astonished at my resignation and talked to me. Though most of the conversation I could not remember, there was one part where she said, 'Ask God for direction'. So I tried engaging God in this aspect. I feel like I am doing this battle alone. I feel tired, aimless, helpless.

One of my sisters-in christ then told a Pastor about my calling and mentioned my wish to return to church to work. So that Pastor is going to meet me tomorrow. What we will discuss, I am unsure. I just pray that everything will turn out well. Then I got a call from the church office. The HR HOD and my previous HOD wanted to meet me tomorrow too. So I will meet up with them first before meeting with this Pastor. I do not know what will come out of this. Then I received an sms from one of my AM who is outstationed that she wanted to lunch with me on Monday by talking to me before I make the final decision of quitting. Today seems to be a day full of unexpected arrangements.

Whatever happens, I pray that God will help me to make the right decision this time. I may break down and cry when I talk to the Pastor. I may hold back my feelings. What really matters is that God will teach me what and how to say things. I also pray that when I finally tender my resignation, all my colleagues will really wish me well and not treat me as an enemy.

I hope that everything will turn out well tomorrow.